His presence was felt immediately. He lurked into the room. He will forever be known to us at "the creepy guy." Not many people affect me this way, but this is one of those people that, for reasons you don't even know, you just want to avoid eye contact. His face never changed expression. Leering. Scary.
I went to the other end of the bar to warn Missy, but without even saying a word, I could tell she was thinking the exact same thing...we are going to die tonight. Now, the guy was not doing anything threatening. Hell, he wasn't even saying much at all. In fact, he said so little, I can remember each and every word. When he sat down, he looked right into me...like he was staring at my soul. I asked him if he wanted anything, and he responded "a beer." I asked what kind, and he said "any kind...a lager." Well, due to the Coors Light being on tap for the Running of the Santas, there was NO Lager. At that point, I thought to myself "I think he is going to kill me." I gave him a Harp, and lived...for now. Later, I yelled to the whole room that we had jello shooters still from the Santa run, and if anyone wanted any, they were a dollar each. People bought. Him I tried to avoid, but I could feel him looking at me. As soon as I got down his end of the bar, he said in his monotone creepy voice "how come you didn't offer me any?" "Uh...I offered them to everyone...that includes you" I said with a shaky voice. He said nothing. Now, I was sure my life was over.
The rest of the evening consisted of trying to avoid eye contact with "the creepy guy." But, this was impossible. No matter how hard you tried, you still, every now and then, wanted to glance back over to check on him, and when you did...he would be looking right into you! Every time!!!
As the night went on, I realized that EVERYONE at the bar was having the same premonition...that this guy was going to kill them! Once again, there were no signs, no non-verbal gestures, no threatening words. Just his presence and his leer. Coincidentally, everyone was also referring to him as "the creepy guy." I mean, this guy would have made Mike Meyers, Robert Englund, and Sir Anthony Hopkins feel uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Fernando (that's fun to say) seemed to be the only one unaffected by all of this. He just strummed away on his guitar out front while checking ID's. By the way, that is a new regular thing now at The Irish Pol...we are the Home of The Singing Door Guy." Any Saturday night, come by and when he checks your ID, he will sing a song about you. Stupid? Yes. But, a few years from now, he could very well be as famous as The Naked Cowboy in NYC. Or, at least, he might get laid...more.
I digress. Back to "the creepy guy." Somehow, I got it in my head (I will blame tequila) that the only thing that would stop him from killing you was to have Fernando (that's fun to say) sing a song about you. Girls were frantically coming up to me "oh my God...what is with that guy over there? He scares me!" I asked "did he look you in the eye?" If, yes, I immediately told them to go see Fernando (that's fun to say) and have him sing you a song! That is the ONLY thing that will save your life!!! Stupid? Yes. But, it was fun to me. And, really, isn't that all that matters? Plus, it honestly gave them a little peace of mind. Ridiculous. Like "the creepy guy" was not going to follow them home, sneak into their bedroom, hide in the closet and jump out with a knife...soley because Fernando (that's fun to say) sang them a song!?!?!?
So, in my head...deep below these strikingly good looks, I feel that I have now created an urban legend. If "the creepy guy" stares into your soul, without a word, you will know that your time on this Earth is nearing an end, and the only thing that will save you is a song from our singing door guy. After all, it worked. I am typing this right now, aren't I? In fact, as far as I know, everyone survived last night, and there is only one person to thank. Fernando (that's fun to say!)
